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Thread: Happy Independence Day

  1. #1
    JosAH's Avatar
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    Default Happy Independence Day

    To the citizens of the United States of America :

    In light of your failure to elect a competent
    President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
    hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    independence, effective immediately.




    Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume
    monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
    other territories (except Kansas, which she does not
    fancy), as from Monday next.

    Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a
    governor for America without the need for further
    elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
    determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown
    Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
    immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
    English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and
    check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
    just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as
    ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will
    learn to spell ‘doughnut’without skipping half the
    letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the
    suffix "ise."

    3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is
    pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to respell
    Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply
    can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

    4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
    vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up
    "vocabulary" ). Using the same twenty-seven words
    interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
    "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of
    communication.

    5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will
    let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
    spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
    reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of "-ize."

    6. You will relearn your original national anthem,
    "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying
    out Task #1 (see above).

    7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a
    holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday,
    but to be celebrated only in England. It will be
    called "Come-Uppance Day."

    8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
    using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you
    need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re
    not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
    be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to
    sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
    therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a
    gun.

    9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
    carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
    A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
    vegetable peeler in public.

    10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are
    crap and this is for your own good. When we show you
    German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    11. All intersections will be replaced with
    roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left
    with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
    metric immediately and without the benefit of
    conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
    will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol
    (which you have been calling "gasoline") roughly
    $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things
    you call French fries are not real chips, and those
    things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
    called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,
    fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise
    but with vinegar.

    14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more
    aggressive with customers.

    15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
    beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only
    proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer,"
    and European brews of known and accepted provenance
    will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will
    be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine," so that
    all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
    English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
    required to cast English actors to play English
    characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
    dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an
    experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a
    cheese grater.

    17. You will cease playing American "football." There
    is only one kind of proper football; you call it
    "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time,
    will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
    similarities to American "football", but does not
    involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
    wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
    nancies).

    18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is
    not reasonable to host an event called the "World
    Series" for a game which is not played outside
    of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
    there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
    understandable.

    19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been
    driving us mad.

    20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector)
    from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly
    to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated
    to 1776.

    Thank you for your co-operation.
    cenosillicaphobia: the fear for an empty beer glass

  2. #2
    Norm's Avatar
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    Where was your spell checker?
    Indepence??

  3. #3
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    I guess you were trying to save typing the extra letters. ???
    Google guesses what you were trying to say with your spelling.

  5. #5
    JosAH's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Norm View Post
    I guess you were trying to save typing the extra letters. ???
    Google guesses what you were trying to say with your spelling.
    Oops, only now I see what you mean (I fixed it, sorry for that); I have an excuse though: I wasn't awake yet when I typed that; I typed it before I had my espresso.

    kind regards,

    Jos ;-)
    cenosillicaphobia: the fear for an empty beer glass

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    Oh Jos, fox news is gonna be really mad at you!

    I demand a list of so called "real" beer immediately. I agree though, bud, coors, etc should not be considered beer.
    Last edited by sunde887; 07-04-2011 at 08:22 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by sunde887 View Post
    I demand a list of so called "real" beer immediately.
    You youngsters have no ambition. I demand a case of real beer. And yesterday wouldn't be soon enough.

    db <-- thirsty

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    I think that the forum lobby needs a sticky thread for beer.

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    Quote Originally Posted by sunde887 View Post
    I think that the forum lobby needs a sticky thread for beer.
    Sticky thread hell. It needs a tap.
    DarrylBurke likes this.

  10. #10
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    On a related note, according to a news report I just read, I understand that congratulations are in order to our Netherlander brethren on becoming once again a Habsburg-ruled monarchy. King Ferdinand the dim-witted may be a chinless consanguineous babbling fool who drools a lot and favors defenestration, but I've heard that he loves Grolsch beer, and so he'll fit right in!

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